Good days

We have had two reasonable days. They have been idyllic Autumn days, warm but not hot, ideal for being outside. My man is not as tired and has sat outside in the garden whilst I have been doing the Autumn pruning and pulling and replanting the annuals.  We like colour in our predominant green garden.  This summer the zinnias and dahlias have been the standouts.  Macmai like his Mum loves oranges and yellows and has been taken with the straggly effect of  cactus zinnia variety. They are perfect for the vase jug he bought several years ago.  I will keep seeds and replant next year in memory of these days.

 He is getting worryingly skinny.  The disease or the chemo or most likely both has taken away completely his desire for food.  It is all too much.  He talks about food, thinks about it, dips into recipe books but when it comes to the eating it is no go.  There will be weight loss when we go back to hospital next week.  It is a horrible disease this that takes and takes until there is just nothing left. 

I have started taking photographs again, one of my hobbies.  For weeks I have not had the heart, and now I want to record and remember.  I am becoming scared of an empty future, a long emptiness.  He is weaker, though better in himself, talking more, full of ideas of things he wants to do.  This morning we lay in bed looking at the incredible art that has been done with scrap metal and he was expounding his vision for what to do with some copper he has. I just wish there was time.  The closest I have come to despair was when we had friends round and Macmai was well enough to comand the conversation with his stories and someone said 'you should write a book'.  There is no time for that.

So today like our sky tonight with a coming storm , some bright spots in the long darkness, for which I am truly grateful.